Wanderings - Part 23

It's a very hard thing to think about possibilities. I often ask people what they want to be. If I'm lucky I'd get a half-hearted reply; most times it's a blank stare. A few have answered with conviction and I nod and smile. Good luck. Really, good luck and all the best.

So then if the same question was asked of me, what would I say? I still don't know. It's a blur of possibilities. At least I hope - sometimes, when I am sober, the realization hits me that I will probably amount to nothing much in life. And there's evidence to show for that. Unfulfilled promises, abandoned drafts, imaginary magnum opuses. To think I laugh at other people's meanderings. Hah. Joke's on me.

Nevertheless, one must shrug and move on. I remember a rather depressing comment an elderly person made that you get more mellow with age for the simple reason that you realize that you are not that great after all. Now, I pride myself on having rather decent self-esteem. But it does get to you.

'No!' The other part of me would argue. 'Look at you', he says, 'only a little over two decades in age and already faking world weariness and mid-life crises. There is so much more to come!' And there is truth to that. But still.

Dear reader, if you have been reading this blog for some time you will realize a long connecting thread that runs through my short pieces here, and that is uncertainty which has grown as I have gotten older. If there is one thing I fear the most, it's not knowing what would happen tomorrow. Not knowing where I would be in a year, two, three years time. I have seen people embrace and even revel in their lack of prescience. I however would curl up, think, argue, plan, grumble with myself. What are you going to do, Daniel? How can I make myself matter?

Oh, I've tried. I've tried the good old "stay busy" trick. Eventually I get fed up of doing this and that (to be clear - I love my job, but the tasks contained therein do tend to tire me). Then I just want to stay at home and read a book, watch cats on Youtube. 'Hey,' I am then told, 'why don't you go out more?' Because I don't want to. 'Ah I see. You are an introvert right? You prefer to be by yourself?' Yes, I am probably an introvert. No, I don't really want to be by myself. Loneliness is depressing. It's the 'going out' part that is a chore to me. And no one - extrovert or introvert likes chores, now do they?

If you're someone like me who tries to 'shape' their life, then you would get a clearer picture. Despite my unique ability to keep my emotions bottled while in public (something I very much think more people need to to try doing), I do very much have the need to express myself. This is one of those times.

Thank you, I guess, to the family and friends and the strangers who have in their own way, one way or another, supported me in my walk. I promise (hehe) I will do my best to help others. It's the least I can do.

P.S. - God, if you're reading this, will you answer my questions or do I have to go the long way round, as usual? :-)

S.D.G.